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79 Things I know about the apocalypse.

posted May 17, 2017, 3:15 PM by Chris Ledoux   [ updated May 17, 2017, 3:22 PM ]

51. So, fish is the worst, right? Well there ain’t no hamburgers after the apocalypse. Learn to love what you hate to eat, right now.

52. You find a jug of Jack Daniels… Do you party like it’s 1999, put it with the med kit to sterilize that wound little Jimmy’s going to get next week or do you light the torches? Here’s a hint. Never light a fire after the apocalypse. Probably should save it for Jimmy even if his post-apocalyptic name is the worst. Except liquid and glass are heavy. Also, why take a chance at breaking the bottle? Drink it now.

53. Don’t burn that newspaper. Put it in your pants. Paper has surprising insulation value. You’ll need it when the ice age comes.

54. Ready to eat your dog yet? Don’t do it. There are other uses for the post-apocalyptic pooch. Like snake killer. Make sure she has a bandana, too. That’s a prerequisite for dogs in the wasteland.

55. Ten minutes to the big wave or the fire storm or the earth quake. You’ve got shelter and it takes five minutes to get there. What do you grab besides your family and food? Assume they are safely stashed away. Assume also that your dog counts as family or food. Pick 5 things. Also, you don’t have to pick water, because you’ve already taught yourself how to recycle your pee. I’m taking a knife, gun, phone, beer and beer.

56. So, the end of the world is already pretty much planned and the New World Order gassed the population into submission. So, it’s like no big deal that an asteroid will hit next month. Everybody is calm. C-A-L-M. But you’ve never been too… It’s your last trip, where do you go? Money is no object and nowhere will be safe once the asteroid enters the atmosphere. I’m going to ATT stadium to see the Dallas Cowboys.

57. Still got your dead wife’s wedding ring around your neck after the mutant sand flees ate her? Let go and move on. You need to after the apocalypse. Memories are a distraction and someone will shoot you with a poison dart when you are gazing off into the sunset with that montage running through your head.

58. You’ve been holding your post-apocalyptic crap for like three months and you find a bathroom. Thank God, right? Don’t do it. Don’t even think it. Zombie toilet beaver-rats can live off poo, but they prefer a nice piece of ass. You should always avoid bathrooms at the end of the world.

59.  So, you still really want a cool post-apocalyptic weapon. All the bullets have run out and everyone one’s got swords or bows. Yep. You’ve already been told all about axes sticking and sticks breaking. But you need some weapon bling to separate yourself from the typical wasteland roamer. Because your special. Don’t do it. Stick with the sword or at worst the bow.

60. It’s the real deal. The world as we know it is gone. There’s no Cheez-Its or Coke and the Beer Riots destroyed all the breweries. Your dog is dead. So is your mom, dad and your girl/boyfriend. Sucks big time, right? Time to go out and sing or dance. Or laugh, even if there’s a little Leslie Arzt behind your ear. Lighten up. You’ll be dead soon. Why you need to chill and smile once in a while at the end.