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79 Things I know about the apocalypse.

posted May 17, 2017, 3:17 PM by Chris Ledoux   [ updated May 18, 2017, 1:16 PM ]

61. You’ve made up your mind not to eat your dog. It wasn’t easy but that’s it -the line you won’t cross. Problem is Summer the yellow labrador retriever keeps eating all your food. Guess what. She can eat the bones and organs of that squirrel you just roasted. I wouldn’t recommend it pre-apocalypse but after the crap-fest hits let her have at.

62. Walk the trails: utility right of ways, abandoned rail road tracks, ATV/snowmobile trails and bike trails. Find out what’s out there. Plan an escape route that doesn’t involve your car.

63. So, you get captured by the New World Order. But they’re always on the lookout for a smart sixteen-year-old teen so they decide to keep you. And feed you. And give you a fancy new skintight white or black outfit. That’s okay. You should just say thanks and join the bad guys.

64. Speaking of white or black outfits. How about charcoal or gray? It’s okay to be gray. And I’m not talking about matching jump suits for your group of wasteland roamers. It’s okay to bend the rules a little and relax the moral code after the apocalypse. Sooner or later if you wear the figurative white hat, it’s going to get dirty. Why not start out a little dirty. Make tough decisions early and often. Little Jimmy can’t walk with that bum ankle? Screw him. Leave him. How did you know he needed the whisky to sterilize that infection on his foot.

65. You’re going to half to pick. Sooner or later. It will be like a choice between husband/wife or son/daughter. Be honest with your mate. Make a deal. Agree to save the kids first. It’ll make the choice easier when it’s before you. Have a predetermined list of who you’ll save.

66. Maybe you’re the one that supposed to die. Or not. Know when it’s time for you to make the ultimate sacrifice. Remember if your mate can’t carry your boy Jimmy over the mountain range to safety, maybe it’s better your mate dies fending off the beaver-rats while you and Jimmy live.

67. Forget Vice President Shaq. Okay don’t forget him. Maybe he dies heroically fighting off Barkley’s army of zombie toddlers. But then we need a new vice president. I want Dave Grohl as a post-apocalyptic VP. Remember, Tom Brady is still the president. Cause he’s immortal.

68. Engineers. Awesome am I right? Every group needs a Professor from Gilligan’s Island.

69. Spoiler Alert! They all die at the end. Or most of them. Don’t be one of “them”. Be willing to be flexible in your code. If you are not flexible in your code, plan on dying at the beginning. A friend of mine once said, “When the bombs start dropping, I hope one hits my house first.” Nobody bombs the countryside, so if you don’t want to survive the apocalypse, move to the city.

70. Duct tape. You’ll need it. You could even use it to tape Jimmy’s bum ankle.