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79 Things I know about the apocalypse.

posted May 17, 2017, 3:25 PM by Chris Ledoux

71.The mad scientist’s beautiful daughter will always be the mad scientist’s beautiful daughter. If you are hero-boy, under no circumstance can you kill Dr. Deranged. He has to die by his own hand as the result of one of his schemes. Otherwise you lose the girl.

72. On the other hand, if you are heroine-girl, feel free to kill hero-boy’s evil queen-mother. He’ll thank you for it.

73.So, President Tom Brady retires as post-apocalyptic president. He’s immortal but he’s tired and bored. Since he already re-fired the sun and set the moon back into orbit, what else is there for him to do. Vice President Dave Grohl likes being VP so he’s not running for President. Plus, VP gives him more time to learn the piano. Who do you turn to? Hayley Williams of Paramore.

74.In the post-apocalyptic world, there’s a whole rainbow of sexuality. And no one cares. Liberals and conservatives alike will die when the lactose intolerant cows become self-aware and corner the cheese/beef market. And people will be just who they are or want to be. Without labels. Because of the sentient cows. And all the turkey we eat. Because it makes us sleepy.

75.While we are on the subject of equality, it’s okay for the hero-boy to be the damsel after the apocalypse. It’s exhausting being the hero. Girls expect and deserve equality. Heroine-girl can do whatever she wants whenever, especially if she kills the beaver-rats.

76.I don’t want to live in a world without beer. If the world goes to hell, the first thing I’m doing after freeing the cows (cause of the whole rainbow of sexuality thing) is go questing for beer. Not every post-apocalyptic mission needs to be about food or guns. Eventually you have to go seeking for beer or FHP. Otherwise, you’ve just lived a very boring end.

77.Don’t gawk. You see the meteor, giant robot or T-Rex. Run. Run. Are you stupid? Run man, run. Don’t get caught gawking. Here’s how to prep yourself for any surprise. Start at a country club. (Before the apocalypse.) A fancy kind with a golf course and tennis courts. With club pros and rich people. Now walk into the locker room. Look around. See all the naked old people? You can’t take that back. All sorts of stretchy saggy things. How long did you gawk for? Kind of wanted to exit the locker room super-fast, right? Now see that robot? Imagine it’s a naked old person apocalypse. Run stupid. Run.

78.Every choice between life and death takes a little piece of you away. That’s why there are no heroes or heroines in the apocalypse. After a while you end up with a lot of anti-heroes/anti-heroines. Everything becomes a gray choice. Eventually all choices are black. There are no more lines to cross. No more white hats. And when all choices are black choices, evil choices, no one is special anymore. That’s when the lactose intolerant cows form an alliance with the beaver-rats and mankind is overcome.

79.  So, you survived the dentist revolt, the lactose intolerant cows, swine flu, bird flu, the beaver-rat plague and the march of the naked old people, what now? Breath. Wait. Something will go wrong by supper time.